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06 January 2012 @ 11:32 pm
So you hate football but might be forced to watch some over the weekend? Don't want to catch yourself accidentally cheering for a sucky, misogynist fuckwit? Let me help you. This handy guide will assist you as you figure out which team has fewer offensively stupid/criminal players. If I forget someone, feel free to let me know. Please note that I can only report on someone who has been officially accused of a crime and has been reported on in some capacity. You can assume football players are entitled as hell.

This post will be macro-heavy.

Game 1:


‎4:30 PM (ET)


WHO SHOULD YOU CHEER FOR: Eh, your home team/it pretty much washes out
WHY?: This is a hard game to judge politically speaking. Cincinnati has a bad reputation for keeping nasty customers like Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson on their roster, but the new Bengals don't really project this image. Unluckily for them the old reputation is closer to the truth. With rookies A.J. Green and Andy Dalton leading the charge this team looks young and out to prove themselves. After a rough start to their season they've had some impressive wins, albeit against easy competition. Their defense is solid. Demerits for keeping Cedric Benson (DUI, assault). If you have issues with drug charges, Jerome Simpson (the super athletic dude in the gif above) was investigated for possessing marijuana. Eh. My searches haven't come up with a Bengal raping anyone, helping someone rape another person or publicly saying something homophobic or sexist.

This I cannot say for Brian Cushing of the Texans. He was arrested alongside Jet Mark Sanchez for the rape of a USC student. Charges were never brought due to inconclusive rape kit results (the object of force could not be proven... he said she said...bet you've heard it). Sanchez spent a night in jail, Cushing was released at the scene. They can both go fuck themselves. Other than that, Jacoby Jones has a DUI and Matt Schaub assaulted someone in 2004. The team is so young (started in 2002) it's hard to know.

I guess who you decide to root for depends on if you think what Cedric Bension did is worse than what Brain Cushing did. They

Fun fact: if you look up "houston texans" and "sexism" you end up with references to the "sexiest" players and cheerleaders. Because that's the same thing.

Game 2
‎8:00 PM (ET)


WHY: As a Pats fan, it hurts to say this, but Tom Brady is not the nephew of God; clearly that title belongs to Drew Brees. He is the Disney Princess of football. Every little thing he does is magic. His charitable work and devotion to the city of new Orleans post-Katrina is a sight to behold. Combined with that, he's a record-setter who still manages to care more about helping his teammates set personal goals than himself (last week's Inside the NFL showed his selflessness. The magic of Wikipedia tells me he was also an Academic All-Pro at Purdue and studied for an MBA at Stanford (doesn't say if he graduated). Other players I have an unhealthy fixation on include Darren Sproles. He just passed the record for all purpose yardage in a season.

As far as the team itself goes, you have Jonathan Vilma's homophobia versus Scott Fujita supporting gay marriage. This blog post suggested they used to get into heated political arguments on the very subject. Demerits other than Vilma: Will Smith has arrested on domestic abuse charges last year. Sean Payton was implicated in a drug scandal involving Vicodin in the Saint's drug locker. You may also oppose their tendency to racket up points long after competitive play has ended (such as this year's Colts game) but since I'm a Pats fan I don't care about that aspect at all.

Detroit in comparison has Ndamukong Suh who perplexes me. On the one hand, he stomped on a guy's face in game. On the other hand, he literally is the most charitable guy in the NFL. But then back on the other side his charitable contributions went to the athletic department of his alma mater, not exactly Bree's work with new Orleans children.

As far as the rest of the team goes searches for drugs and domestic abuse hasn't pulled up anything recent. I can't find any homophobic or sexist statements from anyone either. The team has a reputation as being dirty but they look pretty clean to me, with the exception of Suh.

That said I still love Brees, Sproles and Fujita more.

1:00 PM (ET)


WHY: I don't know much about the Falcons other than the fact they used to have Michael Vick. So I didn't find much. No homophobic or sexist statements come up. Big red flag came up with wide receiver Harry Douglas; a woman claimed she was raped in the player's home during a party. The player himself was not implicated but still, his house, his party. I can't find any follow-up information regarding the incident. Jonathan Babineaux was arrested for possessing marijuana.

Positive note: Instead of finding players accused of domestic assault, I found information about a phone drive at Falcons stadium to benefit HopeLine. So that's nice.

In comparison, we've got the Giants. Media capital of the USA. Here's what I found: Exactly one incident involving a current player.Michael Boley has been accused of abusing his son. the articles I've read imply it's part of nasty divorce proceedings but I won't ignore the accusation. Positive: The Giants also participated in a Falcons-like phone collection with the Wireless Foundation.

But let's not forget this is the former team of Lawrence Taylor and Tiki Barber. And former wide receiver David Tyree thinks acceptance of homosexuality will lead to "anarchy." I'm trying to base stuff on current players, but the LT situation is pretty egregious. I wouldn't blame you if you picked the Falcons instead.

Game 2
‎4:30 PM (ET)


WHO SHOULD YOU CHEER FOR: New Once Upon a Time episodes!
WHY: Ugh, the Steelers. Ben Roethlisberger. James Harrison. James Harrison again (oh, and read the link for added fail regarding Steelers owner Dan Rooney). Positive: DB William Gay made this video for a domestic abuse center in Pittsburgh.

Then again, you've got Tim Tebow on the other side. You probably know he's anti-choice - you might not know he appeared in a homophobic ad for Focus on the Family. He also has refused to appear in any "It Gets Better" videos despite pressure from area LBGT groups. The Broncos organization has followed suit.

Player Perrish Cox has also been accused of raping a woman. The woman in question ending up having a child, and DNA tests proved he's the father. Wide receiver Demaryius Thomas and defensive back Cassius Vaughn were also present at the time of the rape. Thomas is the only one still with the team, but that's probably because Cox is GOING TO JAIL.

I honestly started this thinking I would cheer on the Broncos, but my research makes me hate them all the more. I'm going to go ahead and cheer for Bane to finish the job on Sunday.

The packers, Patriots, Ravens and 49ers are on a bye. I'll talk about them next week.

Thank you for your time.
Time Traveler's Wifestormswift on January 7th, 2012 05:35 am (UTC)
You are fantastic. I howled at the Tebow GIF. My cat did a double-take and everything. It's unfortunate that pro sports attracts, statistically as compared with the general population, such a high level of douchebags.

Also, that Bengals flip will never not be amazing. I mean, he's got momentum going for him but other than that? He takes one look at a defender who's got to top out six feet and goes "No prob, hey guys hold my beer and watch this". AND THEN HE STICKS THE LANDING.

Tebow must be secretly plotting to take out Drew Brees, because how can he be God's chosen one when the NFL already has one of those??

(It annoys my dad when I rag on Tebow too hard. Sadface.)

With the advent of my first grown-up (read: full time) pay check, I think I'm going to donate to PP in Tebow's name, just on the off chance that he finds out and it'll piss him off. Though seriously, Steelers vs. Broncos? It's a match up where one team's QB will rape you and the other will probably tell you it was God's will and btw, don't kill the baby that may result from that crime inconvenience.

One last thing: I know it's not this season, but a GIF of Andre Johnson vs. Cortland Finnegan would've been perfection.

I LIED OKAY OFF-TOPIC: I had a moment of nostalgia today and really wanted to have a late-night study session at IHOP. I miss those.
standonthat on January 7th, 2012 07:31 pm (UTC)
Adding you to follow these posts. :) (Found through ONTDP)